We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I think a kid would responsible me up
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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