just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize