We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
