The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
