I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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