A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
