I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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