Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
