My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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