i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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