i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
