in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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