tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
