You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I have fence marks all over my body
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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