I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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