I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
