You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
