Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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