Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
