you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She's the barista slut.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
They have beer where we have blood.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
