I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
