I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
