I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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