I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
