You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
