There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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