Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
