Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
