In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
