we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
