Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
