you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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