I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
