Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
