I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
BRING THE BAGELS
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
