we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
