No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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