you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize