I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
