I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
