He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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