you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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