i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
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