Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
