so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
