What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
