Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
