How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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