I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
