he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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