i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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