just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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