my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
