Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
