i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize