I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
