I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
