Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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