Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
