I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
