i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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