he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
